Jacob Brown

Dr. Jacob Brown, PharmD
Jake pictured in his natural habitat.
Biographical Information
Born	Y2K
Died	TBD (sometime between 2239 CE and 3239 CE)
Classification	Mediowestus eclecticus; Focused, Non-Terminal, Repeating Phantasm (Class V Full-Roaming Vapor)
Value	three moneys
Texture	Chewy
Power Ranking	Corned Beef Sandwich with Swiss Cheese
Aliases	Cordwainer Bird, John Blaylock, Deacon Blues, William Shears Campbell, D. B. Cooper, D-FENS, KT Frog, Luddite, Ned "Middle-Name" Chicane, Thomas Jerome Newton, Bob Sacamano, Two-Take Jake
Occupation	Doctor of Pharmacy, Netizen at Large
Active Period	2025–present (as a PharmD), 2007–present (as a weirdo)
Known For	Frog Antics, borderline obsession with the obsolete, excel/powerpoint degeneracy
Children	Ronaldo "Fink" Brown (MIA)
Residence	6 km below sea level, 43° 40′ 0″ N, 56° 10′ 0″ W
Origin	Somewhere Over There

“He is a man I greatly admire.”
~ Jake on himself

Jacob Brown (born December 2000) is a misunderstood creative from the Greater, Greater Chicagoland area (by which I mean the Quad Cities area). Jacob is a Doctor of Pharmacy by trade, working as a hospital pharmacist in the "stankiest city in Iowa" (depending on wind). He is terminally online, but in a way that is appealing and cool. You can visit his website if you want!

Personal Life

Early Life

In the summer of 1908, Jake (then a collection of loose stardust and amino acids) arrived on Earth encapsulated within a meteorite designated by the International Astronomical Union as “TVC-15”. Approximately the size of a 2010 Ford Escape, TVC-15 penetrated Earth's upper atmosphere and made impact in the northern United States, somewhere in the path of the Mississippi River. Some experts believe TVC-15 to be a fragment of the larger ~65-meter asteroid responsible for the Tunguska Event.

The meteorite remained undiscovered until 1995, when it was was exhumed from beneath several feet of sediment by directionally confused Japanese civil engineers searching for the lost Hanshin Colonel Sanders. Core samples of the meteorite were mistaken for exotic farm-fresh eggs by a local Denny’s line cook, who theen cooked them into a sort of sentient omelette. For the following five years, the omelette dragged itself along the back roads of rural northwestern Illinois, sustaining itself on insects and discarded fast food. Friction slowly wore down the sentient mass into the vague shape of a darling baby boy. The creature was eventually taken in by two far-sighted Baby Boomers who confused it for a normal human infant.

Being raised in relative isolation, outside of city limits and with no siblings, Jake became socially awkward and chronically out of touch. Experts cite these deficits as the reason he eventually became very funny. Jake attended public school and spent his youth immersed in cable TV, Club Penguin, and early Youtube. He excelled academically without developing proper study skills, which ultimately led to classic gifted kid burnout.

Cool teen years

Beginning high school in 2015, Jake lacked a concrete friend group and had no clear sense of self. Early observers report that in 2016, Jake could be seen sitting alone in the library during Study Hall listening to the Portal 2 Soundtrack, as he was then so un-self-actualized that he did not even really know what kind of music he liked. In lieu of developing a real, tangible personality, he participated in nearly every available extracurricular, including: Baseball, Basketball, Choir, Band, Jazz Band, Quizbowl (briefly), Track, Golf, Theater, Fracking, Certified Forklift Operation, Papercraft, Junior Varsity Cryptozoology, the Federal Tax Code Club, Vending Machine Repair, Circuit-Bending, Observation of Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on Supraquantum Structures by Induction through Nonlinear Transuranic Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength (ELW) Pulse from Mode-Locked Source Array, and more. Over time, he built connections through group projects (especially assignments involving video production) and theater. He grew confident as a student, editor, and creative force. Despite poor study habits, he maintained strong academics and played an ungodly amount of Fallout 4.

Much of his energy during this period was directed into pining after and pursuing romantic relationships with several cool ladies. He has been described by his peers as having been "girl crazy."

By the end of his senior year, Jake was well-liked across most of his school’s cliques/factions, and he has since been told he was actually regarded as quite popular (he was too aloof to realize this at the time). He was Junior Prom Prince, Senior Golf MVP, and runner-up Mr. Mustang. He was almost prom king, but never homecoming king, fulfilling the prophecy.

Fun Facts to Wow your Friends

Did you know that Jake...

• ...is plagued by the ravages of Crohn's disease?
• ...does not have a formal ADHD diagnosis, but has been peer-diagnosed by multiple fellow medical professionals?
• ...reforged the legendary blade Nothung to slay the dragon Fafner?
• ...has a mole on his forehead that is not actually a mole, but a 3.5mm audio jack?
• ...surrounds himself with intelligent, capable, interesting women?
• ...has a face that's sans feature, but he wears a Dalí brooch?
• ...will die on the hill that the McChicken is too spicy?
• ...created a viral YouTube video (~6 million views) at 8 years old, which he now can’t watch because he cringes too hard?
• ...is indirectly responsible for triggering the Resonance Cascade? (He's with the Science Team!)
• ...knows why some of the street lamps are purple, and is super normal about it when it comes up?
• ...knows that love is not just a four letter word, but friend is?
• ...is without hope or agenda?
• ...is NOT! A MORON!
• ...has a healthy obsession with David Bowie, in case some of the references on this page haven't clued you in.

Ambitions

Now that he’s earned his doctorate, Jacob hopes to reinvest time into his hobbies. His goals include:

• Re-learn piano just enough to play favorite songs and noodle around.
• Improve his website’s mobile/PC layout (he hates squinting at the index page). Improved!
• Writing, directing, and editing a low/no-budget horror movie.
• Getting back into a workout routine—just enough to feel comfortable in his own skin.
• Despite enjoying editing videos, has no delusions of becoming a famous youtuber or something. He just wants to make things he is proud of looking back on.

Jacob is long on ambition but short on time management skills. Lets hope some of these ideas eventually see the light of day.

Professional Life

Before graduating from high school, Jake spent much time pondering just what he wanted to do with his life. While he valued his creative inclinations, he knew that pursuing work to that end would not allow him to realize his life-long dream of being able to afford brand-name groceries. Outside of creative endeavors, Jake had developed an interest in healthcare after volunteering for local blood drives. He had attended a pharmacy-school camp in highschool and decided to test the waters by volunteering in a pharmacist-run anticoagulation clinic. This experience lasted for a laughably short period before COVID-19 popped off and shut the world down, but it was enough to cement his decision to pursue a doctorate in pharmacy.

From 2019 to 2021, Jake attended his local Community College. Since the majority of this time coincided with the global pandemic, his education consisted largely of attending Zoom University. Some hybrid-model classes did allow Jake to attend classes in person, which led to many notable incidents such as discovering his Trigonometry professor's shrine to Olivia Newton-John and being taken out behind the barn and assaulted by Organic Chemistry. During this period, Jake mastered the art of multitasking, often attending virtual lectures while simultaneously playing Minecraft with Forbes 30 Under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Despite his questionable allocation of attention, he completed his prerequisites and, with no degree higher than a High School diploma in hand, prepared to transfer to the big leagues.

In 2021, Jake moved to Rockford, IL to attend the University of Illinois at Chicago Herbert M. and Carol H. Retzky College of Pharmacy - Rockford Campus (a name so long it requires a dedicated server to store). Jake spent the next four years in the guilded halls of the UIC Rockford Medical Campus. His class was educated in all areas of pharmacy by industry leaders and world-renowned researchers. He was often found sequestered away in a study room in the Tallest Tower of campus with colleague and friend Dr. Richard Gette. Together, they found a comfortable balance between goofing off interspersed with panic-induced cramming, forcing every aspect of medicinal pharmacology into their tiny, feeble brains.

Hate to break it to you cupcake, but the so-called experts at Wikipedia don't even HAVE an article about Jake.

After surviving his APPE rotations and graduating in May 2025, Jake moved back home to commence his professional career. He currently serves as a Staff Pharmacist at Level IV Trauma Center in Clinton, IA. His day-to-day responsibilities include collaborating with a multidisciplinary healthcare team, verifying medication orders (making sure doctors don't accidentally give a 95 lb grandma 5 billion grams/day of IV vancomycin), monitoring patient labs and vitals (obsessing over everyone's renal function), supervising sterile product compounding (pushing the 10% volume rule as far as it can go), answering drug information questions (summoning knowledge from Lexicomp), and performing medication history reviews (calling Rich to have him send me their outpatient med list with his slow ass fax machine).

Internet Hijinks

Neocities

In early 2025, Jake came across the instagram account of Gold Hill Mall, a 2000s-centered web comic primarily hosted on Neocities.org. Through this gateway, Jake learned about Neocities' mission to preserve the diversity of the internet of old, and the legacy that Geocities left behind. He was reintroduced to the Web 1.0 that he knew in his youth, and was in awe of the vibrant and creative community the Neocities fostered. Jake knew that he wanted to make a site of his own, and that no amount of career defining licensure examinations were going to stand in his way.

We stop at a bar and adam eget says will you take a look at her ass so i look at the waitresses ass and he says tell me thats not going into the book and i say no its not and he says youre telling me that youre not putting that waitresses ass into the book and i tell him no and he says im crazy if i dont put her ass in the book and i tell him hes so stupid he doesnt even know what should be in a book. i tell him it has to be real important stuff especially in the end part of a book and besides no book in the whole world is supposed to be about a waitresses ass and adam eget starts pouting and says whats so special about you that youre better than a waitresses ass and i say im famous thats what and he says whats that ever got you so i look at the stupid idiot and i say ill show you what its got me ill show you right now and i yell hey waiter get over here cause im hungry and he comes over and i ask him what the special is and im lucky cause its chili and not that stupid fucking turkey chili that i hate either but real chili with pieces of beef in it and so i say hmmmmm to stall for time hmmmm and then my finger starts pointing at my name on my snl jacket and some time passes before the waiter says hey arent you famous and i say sure i am And he says you can have the chili for free and i say i want a whole bowl and not a cup and plenty of crackers too and the waiter agrees to the whole thing. im pretty pleased with myself and i look over at adam eget but he isnt sitting beside me anymore cause he is at the other side of the bar standing in front of a tv so i go over to him and he is talking like a robot and he says the toronto blue jays will win their baseball match tonight by two scores and i cant believe what im hearing so i hit adam eget hard on the side of his head and he falls in a crumple out cold. people come around to see what the trouble is and i tell them im a really famous guy and if they dont believe me they can all just read my clothes and i tell them adam eget is a nobody whose life is worth like a hundred words. everyone is cool with that and it makes me think that thats another thing that fame gets you. you can just go ahead and hit a guy hard on the side of his head. i go back to my table and wait for my food and look around the bar to see where the waitresses ass went and then finally the waiter comes back and he says he is sorry but they are just out of chili but that if i want i can have a bowl of turkey chili. can you believe it. turkey fucking chili. story of my life.

My Hardware

Over the years, Jake has collected and maintained a variety of hardware and equipment. (Also see "Hoarding")

Kodak EasyShare CX7530 Digital Camera (c. 2005)
Thrift find, great for retro portraits and landscapes, not great at any distance in low light.

Dell Dimension E310 Windows XP PC (c. 2005)
As much as I love Vista, WinXP holds a special place in my heart. A warm hug of an OS.

Nintendo DS Lite Nintendo Handheld (c. 2007)
System equipped with a Hero 108 decal won from a pumpkin carving contest in 2010. Pokémon FireRed taught Jake how to read. Broken hinge. :(

Canon PowerShot S5 IS Digital Camera (c. 2007)
My family's first digital camera. Still produces nice photos and has a lot of fun settings to toy with, but it has a few dead piexls on the sensor to show for its years.

Canon Powershot A470 Digital Camera (c. 2008)
My first digital camera. Lots of convenient image modes. Flash photos have a noticably soft quality.

Kodak EasyShare M1093 IS Digital Camera (c. 2008)
I liked the EasyShare CX7530 so much I got a newer model on eBay. Everything I loved about the original with relatively modern modes and features.

Compaq Presario CQ60-212US Vista Notebook (c. 2008)
My first laptop, running Windows Vista my beloved. Burned out the fan playing too much Minecraft (around 1.5?).

Xbox 360 Slim Microsoft Console (c. 2010)
Red-Ring free since ~2012. Countless hours of Black Ops II Zombies, Minecraft, Borderlands 2, and Fallout: New Vegas.

Nintendo Wii Nintendo Console (c. 2011)
Mentally I am still at Wii Sports Resort. Homebrewed.

Nintendo 3DS Nintendo Handheld (c. 2011)
The last time I felt any magic from a games system. Homebrewed to perfection.

Dell Inspiron 15 5558 Former main laptop (c. 2016)
Absolute work horse. I ran this thing into the ground, though it's still somewhat usable thanks to Tiny10.

Dell Inspiron 15 3530 Current main laptop (c. 2023)
Can you tell I feel a sense of brand loyalty to Dell? Loud as Hell (until I throttled the processor slightly).

Odds & Ends Various other bits of antiquated and obsolete hardware.

See Also

References