Jacob Brown

Jacob Brown (born December 2000) is a misunderstood creative from the Greater, Greater Chicagoland area (by which I mean the Quad Cities area). Jacob is a Doctor of Pharmacy by trade, working as a hospital pharmacist in the "stankiest city in Iowa" (depending on wind). He is terminally online, but in a way that is appealing and cool. You can visit his website if you want!

Personal Life

Early Life

In the summer of 1908, Jake (then a collection of loose stardust and amino acids) arrived on Earth frozen within a meteorite known as the “Doughball”, approximately the size of a 2005 Ford Freestar, that crashed into the northern Mississippi River. Some experts believe the Doughball to be a fragment of the ~65-meter asteroid responsible for the Tunguska Event. In 1995, the meteorite was exhumed from beneath several feet of sediment by directionally confused Japanese civil engineers searching for the lost Hanshin Colonel Sanders. Core samples of the meteorite were mistaken for exotic farm-fresh eggs by a local Denny’s line cook, resulting in its contents being cooked into a sort of sentient omelette. For the following five years, the omelette dragged itself along the back roads of rural northwestern Illinois, sustaining itself on insects and discarded fast food. Friction slowly wore down the sentient mass into the vague shape of a darling baby boy. The creature was eventually taken in by two far-sighted Baby Boomers who confused it for a normal child. 

Being raised in relative isolation, outside of city limits and with no siblings, Jake became socially awkward and chronically out of touch. Experts cite these deficits as the reason he eventually became very funny. Jake attended public school and spent his youth immersed in cable TV, Club Penguin, and early Youtube. He excelled academically without developing proper study skills, which ultimately led to classic gifted kid burnout.

Cool teen years

Starting high school in 2015, Jake lacked a concrete friend group and had no clear sense of self. In lieu of developing a real, tangible personality, he participated in nearly every available extracurricular, including: Baseball, Basketball, Choir, Band, Jazz Band, Quizbowl (briefly), Track, Golf, Theater, Fracking, Certified Forklift Operation, Papercraft, Junior Varsity Cryptozoology, the Federal Tax Code Club, Vending Machine Repair, Tamagotchi Circuit-Bending, and more. Over time, he built connections through group projects (especially assignments involving video production) and theater. He grew confident as a student, editor, and creative force. Despite poor study habits, he maintained strong academics and played an ungodly amount of Fallout 4.

Much of his energy during this period was directed into pining after and pursuing romantic relationships with several cool ladies. He has been described by his peers as having been "girl crazy."

By the end of his senior year, Jake was well-liked across most of his school’s cliques/factions, and he has since been told he was actually regarded as quite popular (he was too aloof to realize this at the time). He was Junior Prom Prince, Senior Golf MVP, and runner-up Mr. Mustang. He was almost prom king, but never homecoming king, fulfilling the prophecy.

Fun Facts to Wow your Friends

Did you know that Jake...

• ...is plagued by the ravages of Crohn's disease?
• ...does not have a formal ADHD diagnosis, but has been peer-diagnosed by multiple fellow medical professionals?
• ...reforged the legendary blade Nothung to slay the dragon Fafner?
• ...has a mole on his forehead that is not actually a mole, but a 3.5mm audio jack?
• ...surrounds himself with intelligent, capable, interesting women?
• ...has a face that's sans feature, but he wears a Dalí brooch?
• ...will die on the hill that the McChicken is too spicy?
• ...,at age 8, created a viral YouTube video (~6 million views), which he now can’t watch because he cringes too hard?
• ...is indirectly responsible for triggering the Resonance Cascade?

Ambitions

Now that he’s earned his doctorate, Jacob hopes to reinvest time into his hobbies. His goals include:

• Re-learn piano just enough to play favorite songs and noodle around.
• Improving his website’s mobile/PC layout (he hates squinting at the index page).
• Writing, directing, and editing a low/no-budget horror movie.
• Getting back into a workout routine—just enough to feel comfortable in his own skin.
• In high school he learned how to use Premiere and now he thinks he edits videos at a professional level. He has no delusions of becoming a famous youtuber or something, but he wants to make things he is proud of looking back on.

Jacob subscribes to the idea that, "If you want to succeed, don't tell anyone ". However, he has made an exception for this page, picturing it as a sort of vision board.

Professional Life

Lorem ipsum placeholder text. we stop at a bar and adam eget says will you take a look at her ass so i look at the waitresses ass and he says tell me thats not going into the book and i say no its not and he says youre telling me that youre not putting that waitresses ass into the book and i tell him no and he says im crazy if i dont put her ass in the book and i tell him hes so stupid he doesnt even know what should be in a book. i tell him it has to be real important stuff especially in the end part of a book and besides no book in the whole world is supposed to be about a waitresses ass and adam eget starts pouting and says whats so special about you that youre better than a waitresses ass and i say im famous thats what and he says whats that ever got you so i look at the stupid idiot and i say ill show you what its got me ill show you right now and i yell hey waiter get over here cause im hungry and he comes over and i ask him what the special is and im lucky cause its chili and not that stupid fucking turkey chili that i hate either but real chili with pieces of beef in it and so i say hmmmmm to stall for time hmmmm and then my finger starts pointing at my name on my snl jacket and some time passes before the waiter says hey arent you famous and i say sure i am

Hate to break it to you cupcake, but the so-called experts at Wikipedia don't even HAVE an article about Jake.

Internet Hijinks

Placeholder text. And he says you can have the chili for free and i say i want a whole bowl and not a cup and plenty of crackers too and the waiter agrees to the whole thing. im pretty pleased with myself and i look over at adam eget but he isnt sitting beside me anymore cause he is at the other side of the bar standing in front of a tv so i go over to him and he is talking like a robot and he says the toronto blue jays will win their baseball match tonight by two scores and i cant believe what im hearing so i hit adam eget hard on the side of his head and he falls in a crumple out cold. people come around to see what the trouble is and i tell them im a really famous guy and if they dont believe me they can all just read my clothes and i tell them adam eget is a nobody whose life is worth like a hundred words. everyone is cool with that and it makes me think that thats another thing that fame gets you. you can just go ahead and hit a guy hard on the side of his head. i go back to my table and wait for my food and look around the bar to see where the waitresses ass went and then finally the waiter comes back and he says he is sorry but they are just out of chili but that if i want i can have a bowl of turkey chili. can you believe it. turkey fucking chili. story of my life.

My Hardware

Over the years, Jake has collected and maintained a variety of hardware and equipment. (Also see "Hoarding")

Kodak EasyShare CX7530 Digital Camera (c. 2005)
Thrift find, great for retro portraits and landscapes, not great at any distance in low light.

Dell Dimension E310 Windows XP PC (c. 2005)
As much as I love Vista, WinXP holds a special place in my heart. A warm hug of an OS.

Nintendo DS Lite Nintendo Handheld (c. 2007)
System equipped with a Hero 108 decal won from a pumpkin carving contest in 2010. Pokémon FireRed taught Jake how to read.

Canon PowerShot S5 IS Digital Camera (c. 2007)
My family's first digital camera. Still produces nice photos and has a lot of fun settings to toy with, but it has a few dead piexls on the sensor to show for its years.

Canon Powershot A470 Digital Camera (c. 2008)
My first digital camera. Lots of convenient image modes. Flash photos have a noticably soft quality.

Compaq Presario CQ60-212US Vista Notebook (c. 2008)
My first laptop, running Windows Vista my beloved. Burned out the fan playing too much Minecraft (around 1.5?).

Xbox 360 Slim Microsoft Console (c. 2010)
Red-Ring free since ~2012. Countless hours of Black Ops II Zombies, Minecraft, Borderlands 2, and Fallout: New Vegas.

Nintendo Wii Nintendo Console (c. 2011)
Mentally I am still at Wii Sports Resort. Homebrewed.

Nintendo 3DS Nintendo Handheld (c. 2011)
The last time I felt any magic from a games system. Homebrewed to perfection.

Dell Inspiron 15 5558 Former main laptop (c. 2016)
Absolute work horse. I ran this thing into the ground, though it's still somewhat usable thanks to Tiny10.

Dell Inspiron 15 3530 Current main laptop (c. 2023)
Can you tell I feel a sense of brand loyalty to Dell? Loud as Hell (until I throttled the processor slightly).

Odds & Ends Various other bits of antiquated and obsolete hardware.

See Also