CLONE-ALL®

Welcome to CLONE-ALL®

Quigley Originally spearheaded in 1997 by wealthy former cult-leader and breakfast theorist M. QUIGLEY , DOUBLE THE TROUBLE LTD and its flagship service CLONE-ALL® once offered first-of-a-kind human cloning services to the desperate, the ugly, and the dangerously curious. Following federal crackdowns on human cloning in the early 21st century, the company was forced to shut its industrial-grade blast doors, seemingly forever...

UNTIL NOW!!!

Now in 2025, with the Trump administration haphazardly slashing away at federal regulations like a sugar-rushed toddler with a Nerf sword, CLONE-ALL® has returned. Sliding through legal loopholes like a greased ferret, the company is back with its original suite of ethically dubious offerings & much more.

The Honduras-based company (formerly located across from the now-defunct Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop - RIP late-90s pop culture references) is preparing to reopen operations with a cutting-edge lab headquartered in a jurisdiction where human cloning laws remain nonexistent or hilariously vague (and the costs of labor are dirt cheap, too!) CloneALL Facility

In Phase One of CLONE-ALL® 2.0 , we will once again partner with a curated pool of freelance geneticists, rogue biotech startups, and ethically ambiguous lifehackers to kickstart our cloning program. We are also exploring "research partnerships" with several underfunded American labs, some of which may technically be operating as drug dens out of hastily converted Arby's kitchens.

When people think of cloning and the '90s, people always think of one shining example - Dolly the Sheep. For the uninitiated and uninformed, Dolly was the first mammal to be successfully cloned (if you consider multiple chronic health issues and 1/2 the expected lifespan of the average sheep to be successful). Dolly used to be our scientific north star. Now she's more of a cautionary footnote. Today, thanks to modern advancements, human cloning is safer than wearing bubble wrap to prom and faster than microwaving a Hot Pocket on high.

Prospective Parents - Are you tired of baby roulette? Think of CLONE-ALL® like Amazon Prime for parenting. Order someone else's genes and enjoy the smug satisfaction of genetic quality assurance. With us, every child is the deluxe model.

Clone Your Own Drone!

They're baaaack! Our bestselling Clone Drones™ have returned, optimized for the modern supervillain, overworked executive, or doomsday cult leader in need of tireless human labor.

Base rate: $249.99 + shipping from unmapped ocean territory.

Hard-Working – Laziness gene deleted. Productivity gene copy/pasted.
Task-Specific – Need a barista with no rights? A dog washer with no backstory? Done.
Voice-Controlled – Just yell. They 'll obey. No app required.

*Average life expectancy: 87 years (or until they learn the concept of freedom).

Celebrity Cellout

Why settle for a basic clone when you can bask in the filtered glory of fame?
Our celebrity DNA archive just got upgraded with even more A-listers, pop idols, and multi-millionaire weirdos.
Finally, your chance to own a piece of the spotlight – or all of it.

Classic Samples:

Pamela Anderson – Lifeguard icon, runs in slow motion
Sylvester Stallone – Punchy action star, voice of gravel
Reggie White – NFL beast, could tackle a semi
Bill Gates – Tech overlord, talents include computer science and philanthropic guilt
Tom Cruise – Scientology's golden boy, short but effective
Michael Jordan – Basketball deity, takes everything personally
Madonna – Pop shapeshifter, banned in 16 countries and 3 church newsletters
David Bowie – Musical alien, extra $20 surcharge for corneal damage
Sandra Bullock – Fanatastic from rom-coms to dramas, often trapped in runway vehicles
Gary Kasparov – Chess grandmaster, lost to a robot once and hasn't shut up since
Cindy Crawford – OG supermodel, made a mole a marketing asset
Dennis Rodman – NBA anarchist, part-time ambassador to North Korea
Bruce Lee – Martial arts philosopher, punched faster than your thoughts
Whitney Houston – Vocal legend, sang so well it hurt
Arnold Schwarzenegger – clonernator, accent not guaranteed

Fresh Drops:

Sydney Sweeney – Actress, loved for her prominent... personality
Sabrina Carpenter – Pop sensation, have you ever tried this one?
Timothee Chalamet – Actor, turns fragile boy energy into Oscar bait and cologne ads
Travis Kelce – NFL tight end, flirts like your gym crush and dates like it's a PR campaign
Jennifer Lawrence – Oscar-winner, weaponized awkwardness into a billion-dollar franchise
Zendaya – Suspiciously scandal-proof, it's on you if she turns out like Rue
Pedro Pascal – Actor, plays every emotionally damaged surrogate dad in Hollywood
Lady Gaga – Pop star, once wore a meat dress and still somehow got invited to the Oscars
Taylor Swift – Chart dominator. She's actually already a clone, use this sample with caution!
Ryan Reynolds – Actor, markets harder than he acts, married to sarcasm and Blake Lively (in that order)
Emma Stone – Actress, built a career on likeability and wearing wigs in every role
Jack Black – Actor/musician, brings chaotic joy and dad bod thunder to every role
MrBeast – YouTuber/philanthro-capitalist, fortune not included
Keanu Reeves – Actor, immortal kung-fu philosopher with unreasonably good manners
Beyonce – Queen of everything, brings the beat in!

Don't see your favorite celebrity on the menu? Let us know in the order form below. Between our loyal drones and eBay napkin scraps, you'd be surprised what we can get our hands on.
Starting at $899 per genome. Shipping fees apply. Prices subject to change if celebrity retains legal representation.

Artificial Aging Services

Since 1997, CLONE-ALL® has proudly led the world in unsettling biotech innovation — and aging clones unnaturally fast is kind of our thing now.

Physical Aging:
Our proprietary process uses targeted alkylating agents to rapidly and artificially stress cellular structures, allowing clones to physically mature to the desired age in record time. Need a fully grown clone of Bill Murray to officiate your wedding? You got it. Want a teenage version of your favorite pop star with plausible wear-and-tear? Consider it done.

Mental Aging:
In the early days, we relied on hypnotic suggestion chambers a la Clockwork Orange to condition our clones minds. Results were... less than consistent. But now, thanks to a groundbreaking partnership with OpenAI, we use the latest in generative language models — including ChatGPT 4.5 — to implant realistic, emotionally resonant artificial memories into our clones.

These memories are curated from a clone subject's public record, biographies, interviews, and fan blogs. The result? Fully coherent individuals with backstories, opinions, and simulated nostalgia — and most don't even realize they're clones (unless you specifically request they do).

Current Pricing: Starts at $999 per artificially aged clone. Discounts available for bulk orders (five clones or more).

Serial Killer/Murderer Cell Sale Clone three and get the fourth one free!

Planning a militia? Looking to staff your retro-themed murder bunker? Our archive of historical and contemporary sociopaths has returned, bigger and bloodier than ever.

Legacy Creeps:

Jeffrey Dahmer

Charles Manson

Jack the Ripper

The Zodiac Killer

Modern Horrors:

Luigi Mangione (hot seller!)

Ted Kaczynski

Scott Peterson

Dylann Roof

Starting at $199 and a signed waiver. No returns. Absolutely no returns.

Clone from Home Kit + Grabber BUNDLE DEAL

So you think you can clone better than the pros, huh? Well, you're wrong — but we'll let you try.

With the CLONE-ALL® Home Cloning Kit + Grabber combo, you'll be able to collect hot, fresh, viable genetic material from anyone you like and grow your own backup best friend at home.

Includes:

The Grabber™ (cell collection tool, 1 sample vial included)
Sample-to-Gamete Conversion Media (1 Vial) + 1 Semi-Permeable Incubation Capsule (Egg)
Five 23G x 5/16“ needles with syringes
Disposable DNA-safe gloves and other handling supplies
Activation Fluids A & B (1 vial each, proprietary formula similar to Sea-Monkey growth powder but highly carcinogenic if mishandled)
One-time-use mini-vat (microwave safe!)
Instructional DVD (with bonus commentary track)

All for just $89.95. Batteries not included. Memory implantation and rapid-aging services also not included.

Special Orders

We've been watching the biohacking forums and underground labs with bated breath (and full-body hazmat). Now, we're ready to bring your weirdest chimeric fantasies to life.

Whether you want to mix your uncle with an axolotl or just want a glow-in-the-dark coworker who purrs while typing up the TPS reports — we've got you.

Now offering fusions with:

Phosphorescent algae (glow skin!)
Poison dart frogs (toxic handshake!)
Sea cucumbers (auto-evisceration defense!)
Wolves (alpha energy!)
Birds of paradise (intimidation dance protocol!)
Various plants (weird but legal in most states!)
And many more!

Starting at $40 per mutation. Includes one free accessory: tail, claws, gills, or mystery mutation.

PHOSPHORESCENT
ELVIS

Clone Insurance

If you're attractive, TikTok famous, unusually symmetrical, or a descendant of someone famous — then you're probably already on a cloning watchlist.

For just $99, CLONE-ALL will encode your genome into our protected registry, ensuring (kind of) that we won't sell it to wealthy weirdos, rogue billionaires, or lonely fans.

Includes:

One-year NoClone™ protection plan
Digital certificate of authenticity (printable in 4 formats!)
Monthly scan of black-market clone forums
Subscription to our YouTube series: ”Stay Original”
Priority notification if your DNA is leaked
Discount on legal representation (in select states)

Also includes enrollment in our Royalty-Clone™ Program — if we clone you anyway, you get 50% of the profits. That's only fair.
Disclaimer: NoClone™ Protection applies only to CLONE-ALL® services - we make no guarantee our competitors won′t get to you first.

Order Your Clone Now!

Original site by Matthew Saul (1997). Revamped by Jacob Brown (2025). For entertainment purposes only. No clones were harmed in the making of this site. See also Dream-Tech, another fake cloning firm. Or, CLONAID firm that pretends to be real.
See Yahoo's Human Cloning Category too!

Other images are linked to their respective sites.

Member of the Internet Blink Exchange HELP! Our Ship is Sinking

Want to see the original website? Click Here

wait this was real?

CLONE-ALL was, apparently, a parody of the original CLONAID website, a venture connected to the Raelien cult that, as late as 2009, was still claiming to be real and still has an active website at https://www.clonaid.com/ and claims to have propagated and delivered at least ~10 clone children from 2002 onward. This was apparently big enough news in the 00s to warrant an SNL parody. I did not know this when revamping this page, wow.

Return to Home Page

Image Credits (from the original site)